When Words Cut Deep: How Dr. Natalie Phillips Found Healing and Empowerment | EP104

Shannan Kym: 00:00:00

Hello everybody. My name is Shannan Mondor, and welcome to my podcast, fulfillment in faith. Today, I have an absolutely wonderful, wonderful person, and her name is Dr Natalie Phillips, and I want to do a little bit of background here before I introduce Natalie onto the podcast here. So I was back, I think it was, it was the end of May in June, beginning of June, somewhere in there, yeah. And I was down in San Diego. I was at an event which is The Secret Knock women. And this beautiful woman went on the stage, and she was talking about her journey, and she impacted me so much, and she had me on, on, on, you know, my seat, and I was just like listening to everything she said, Because I resonated with everything that she said, and I couldn't wait to get her on my podcast. So here she is, and she's going to share everything that I've already heard, and you guys are going to be so empowered by what she has to say. So I want to welcome you, doctor. Natalie Phillips, to my podcast. How are you today?

Shannan Kym: 00:01:12

Dr. Natalie Phillips: I'm very good. I'm good today. Thank you, Shannan, first of all, thank you for having me on. I'm very honored and blessed to be on your podcast and really excited to share my story. I know that you had asked earlier. You know that line that probably caught you by surprise, but also not by surprise, because now I do remember, you know, before I started to share my story, the line that I think a lot of women, not just you can identify with, and maybe may not, have actually spoke it out loud, but that line that I have come to terms with is that I said to myself that I will never work with another woman ever again, and I don't want any more women friends. And I think that might be the line. I think

Shannan Kym: 00:02:02

that I think that was, and I was whatever I was due, like I was listening to you. But when, you know, when you're sitting at a table, there's always shuffling or whatever, right? You know you're playing with your pen, and when I heard that line, I just stopped, and I'm and so many women resonate with that line, and I was just like, what is going to come out of her mouth next? Because you don't hear women speak openly about that ever, right? Well,

Shannan Kym: 00:02:28

Dr. Natalie Phillips: and at a women's conference too. I know they're like, ready to learn from each other, and it's all of a sudden I'm like, Ah, yeah, excuse me, I don't really want to work with women again.

Shannan Kym: 00:02:39

So what I what I would like you to do now, Doctor Natalie, is if you could please share with the audience a little bit about yourself, like where you're from, a little bit of the background, and then if you just want to get right into your story, yeah,

Shannan Kym: 00:02:52

Dr. Natalie Phillips: absolutely. So I actually grew up in Hawaii. It was I was there until high school, and then I went to what we call the mainland, or the United States. I know Hawaii is a state, but it's, you know, on the mainland. And so I was there, and, you know, the whole time. I loved growing up in Hawaii and everything that came with it, but I also felt somewhat disconnected, you know, just being on an island, every time we had to do something, we had to fly over to at least the west coast or somewhere else, you know, to do something that wasn't, you know, related to Hawaii. And, you know, I went to college and came up upon my degree that I am doing my day job at, which is audiology, and finally settling in on a major, because I changed majors a couple times, but finally, settling in on that major also allowed me to feel a little more connected right away with a group of people and within audiology and and finding my husband at college and getting married, we moved around to around six different states, and We started to make strong connections. Because as we continue to move every three to five years, it's hard to kind of settle in and make some strong connections. And I remember moving from Hawaii when I went back to do my master's degree, to Texas, and I was just miserable. I was sad and depressed, and I was already married, but I just was like, Ugh, you know? And it was a simple question my mom had asked and said, Well, what are you doing to get connected? And I was like, What are you talking about? And she goes, Well, are you staying in your apartment, or are you getting out? And so it helped me start to think about, you know, what's meaningful to me and what's meaningful to me are these strong connections. And so I did start to go to church, go to different groups, and we were in our time of our life where we were young marrieds. And so we had a lot of young married couples that we did a lot of things with. And as I continued to move around, I had to start new jobs, right and I had to reach out to people right away and make. Those strong connections. And in audiology, I ended up meeting, well, I'm right now. I'm here in Colorado, so we kind of went around to six different states. I ended up in Colorado, and I've been here for the last, maybe, I think, 15 years or so now. So it's, it's longer than what I ever been in a state before, because it was always three to five years or so. But when I got here, it was one of the things that I wanted to do was reach out to people get connected right away. And I met this pretty incredible woman who became my partner in crime. And we created different she was also an audiologist, but we created different groups and things to do to connect women through mentorship and discussion surrounding confidence and purpose. I became a global ambassador for an a female entrepreneurship group, which allowed us to provide resources for women owned businesses, and I started to make some really new and inspiring connections, and this whole power of connection started to revolve in me as I started to just cherish and really be thankful for some of these different connections that I've made. Until about nine years ago, I was at a conference and I was in my hotel, and I remember it very vividly, and all of a sudden, I let somebody in that night, and this is where I start to share the story of the night that I was stabbed. Yeah, and it was, it was very it's still vivid in my mind, but the beating and the blows just started over and over, and this was the internal stuff that I was feeling like. I had shock. I was frozen. I couldn't move or speak. I had other physical reactions, like, like my skin was I all icy, cold and clammy, you know? And and I felt the blood draining, and I started to feel weak and dizzy. But what was interesting is I can associate with all those feelings, even though the stabbing was not from a knife, but they were from words. And they were from words from this woman that I had been friends with for seven or eight years, and the words were, you're nothing, you're nobody. I make more money than you. You're only where you are because I was with you, and people don't really care about you. And so what turned it around for me? You know, it took a while. It wasn't just overnight, where I thought, okay, that hurt and off, I'm running again. I mean, I literally let those feelings and the anger and the hurt sit in me and fester for about a year. And I remember it was about a year, and there were things that I did to feel better. However I, you know, as you see me, you know, with the with speaking out on Secret Knock or, you know, I, I'm a speaker, and I do other things, and I'm a connection coach, but you know, you you see this person who is so confident and maybe, like, has something to say and has something to share. And I was heavily into social media back then, and I was there were a lot of people reaching out to help me, have them help me figure out how they could be a little bit more forthcoming on social media. And so I was that type of social media coach as well. But all of a sudden, when that happened, I went into this deep, dark black hole. I call it my, my, my black hole, because I didn't want to be out there, I didn't want to be on stage, I didn't want to help anybody, I didn't want to be out on social media, and I had to force myself to to actually post. And what's interesting I didn't share this at Secret Knock, is even though I was feeling very dark inside, I made it a point to not be negative on social media, because it was out for anybody to see. And so there were many, many, many times in that hole, that deep, dark, black hole, for a year, that if I wanted to put something out on social media, I forced myself to do a complete 180 and whatever I was feeling, and you know, whether it was hurt or whether it was sadness or whatever it was, I forced myself to put something out there on social media that was positive, exactly the opposite of what I what I felt. Can I ask you a question? Yeah,

Shannan Kym: 00:09:36

do you feel that at that point in time when you heard those words come from that individual, that was it? Was it because it came from that specific individual or or would it have been it wouldn't have mattered who said those words to you at that particular time in your. Life?

Shannan Kym: 00:10:00

Dr. Natalie Phillips: That's a great question. I'm going to answer and say that it was from that particular person. Because when you connect to somebody, you immediately become vulnerable. You have that trust factor, right? This is a person who I would tell anything to. I with, business, personal, things, anything, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, not knowing what happened. And I can go deeper into the story here, but it was definitely that one particular person where it took me by surprise, and that's why that shock. So the shock that I explained to you earlier wasn't like shock, oh my gosh. You know, I'm being stabbed physically by a knife, but shock is the same type of feeling of shock, but it was, what Just what are you doing? What? What just happened? Like, what's going on here? Because I had no idea it was coming. So prior to what happened was the night before, we were traveling, and we we stayed in the same room, and it was this person's birthday. And so what happened was I had a gift for her. I had, I had a cute little necklace, and it was a star because a previous conference before that, there were people that were coming up to me after we presented, and talking to me but not talking to her. So we had a conversation between us. And she was very hurt by that, that people weren't talking to her. So I said so I was trying to talk to her in the moment, but it wasn't, kind of getting through. And I said, Look, whatever you're going through, you're going to be able to turn it around, and that's going to be your speaking topic for the next conference. And so with this new conference that we were at, I thought, Oh, this is going to be awesome, plus it's a birthday. So at 1201, I grabbed the box out of my suitcase, and I should have written a card with it, but I handed her the box, and it was a little necklace with that star, and I verbally said, happy birthday. I absolutely love you. I just want to give you this. And after she opened it, I said, You shine in your own light. You're special. You're beautiful. And whatever it was, right? And, and, and she, she looked fine. She loved the necklace, and, and that's when it happened, that's when it started, where she just turned cold. And what I found out later on, because we were flying home together, and after all, what she did to me at this conference, I literally, literally, was quiet, and she said to me on the plane, and she turned to me and she said, I know I hurt you. She goes, I know I hurt you. And she said, and I basic. And I turned to her, and I said, Yes, you did. And I said, I don't know what I did to do to you. I don't understand. And I said, just and she goes, I'm sorry. And I said, Don't ever do that again. And she said, but let me explain myself. She said, Remember when you gave me that necklace? And I said, Yes, absolutely. And she said, Well, this is what I heard you say to me that night. She said, I heard you say, I don't need you anymore. Thank you for being with me and helping me get to where I am, because I'm going to go shine now, but you can stay where you are. And I looked at her and I said, I said, nothing like that. I didn't say a word that. Those words didn't even come out of my mouth. And she goes, I know. She says, I know, and that's why I'm sorry. So I said, you. I said, well, then just don't let that happen again, and we went our separate ways and and it happened again. So that's why I completely cut it off. Yeah, so there was yeah

Shannan Kym: 00:13:29

and all based on the insecurities within her. So definitely, going back to your

Shannan Kym: 00:13:33

Dr. Natalie Phillips: question, it was that particular person that took me by surprise. I had no idea what had happened, but I had to make it through the conference as best as I could, right?

Shannan Kym: 00:13:42

Yeah, yeah, that's so sad, because she lost someone very special, which was, you Yeah, that's so sad going, you know, and this has happened to so many women all the time, especially, and, and I know what that's like. You know what I mean, especially, you know, looking from my past and now where I am now, and I can really see that. That's why I keep my circle really, really small. I can easily show my vulnerability wherever I go, because I have such passion for what I do. But I also know that that aspect of me is also my superpower. That is what gives other people out there to show their vulnerability and and, yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but I know that, and I love that about me, you know. And how do you deal with vulnerability now,

Shannan Kym: 00:14:28

Dr. Natalie Phillips: you know, I think you're exactly right. As far as having a smaller circle, I know. Now, you know, I know that there are people, that there are great people out there, you know? And I like to say that saying of surround yourself with great people is a great saying, but I like to change it and say, surround yourself with the right people, because just because they're great doesn't mean they might be great for you, right? And I think this woman is still a wonderful, great woman. She's just not for me after all of that went through, right? Right? And I have accepted the apology, right? But as far as vulnerability, I have maybe two women friends that I absolutely trust, and the reason why I'm able to have that vulnerability with them is because we have, we, we meet on a regular basis, so there's accountability, right? We, I know that we want to see each other succeed. Sometimes, when we meet and they don't live in my town, one lives in Florida, one lives in California, and I'm in Colorado when we meet and we talk, yes, we're doing some business things. However, it can be. It's a give and take. Sometimes it's fully about her, sometimes it's fully about me. And I remember sometimes when I would get off these phone calls with them and say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that whole thing was about me. And the response is, of course, because you needed it at this time, right? And it's just such a different feeling when you have those people that it's it is equal, it's equal. And you know that they fully want to see you succeed, and you fully want to see them succeed. So, you know, I think you're exactly right in the fact that I only have a few people. I have maybe one besides my husband, one fellow male, and then two females. But that's my inner circle, right there. You know, that really is it? I have a lot of other great mom friends that I go out and have dinners with, and we catch up and things like that. We get deep, you know, because I like the one on one, but not like how those, you know, four or five people are. So I think that you learn who are the right people for you.

Shannan Kym: 00:16:39

Mm, hmm. But also to, like, I know, walking into all these different events, events now, and connecting with all these so many different people, there's a certain level that we've gotten to now where it is, it is almost like a safe space. Do you not agree? Yeah, absolutely. And that's, that's what I like about the connection, like, when I go, you know, to Secret Knock and all this other stuff, right? Because we're all there for one reason. And what is that, to help each other out, and that's the most beautiful thing. I got another question for you. So what is it? Do you feel that you learned the most from that experience that you went through? Well, I

Shannan Kym: 00:17:19

Dr. Natalie Phillips: mean, I had initial things that I had learned, because after I got through the hurt, it was interesting. The one male friend that I have, he had, this was a year later, you know, and he literally pulled me back out and said, Stop sitting on your behind, and you need to get out there. So everything that I'm going to do, I'm going to, you're coming along and you're going to be on stage, I'm going to put you on stage, you're going to talk here, you're going to talk there, right? And, you know, there's, there's a the initial lessons, I think, that I learned is that what happened was not about me, you know, was, you know, and I think that's what made it hurt so bad, was because I just was looking inside thinking, oh my gosh, this hurts, right? And I want to deal with the hurt, but when I step back from it, I know, I know that whatever happened between the two of us, it had nothing to do with me. I know what we had talked about too, that that just happened to not be my person, even though it was my person for maybe seven years before it wasn't my person. Moving forward, and I was fine. And then the third thing that I learned, too, was that I'm, I'm not alone. You know, I had shared at Secret Knock for women that I did go to another women conference because I had to. I was a global ambassador, so I kind of had to, I was voluntold that I had to be there. And it was 100 women, and I remember walking into that conference thinking, oh, man, you know, I don't really want to be here. I'm just fresh off of this. And I'm so glad I went, because I did start to meet, like I said, some very inspiring, supportive women. And I do remember where there was this one woman from Canada, actually, who at the end of the conference had stood up, and she started to just cry, and she was saying that she had signed up for this, but right before, she just she didn't want to come. She just didn't want to be around women and that. And I was listening to her and and I knew about her, and I knew she was very, very successful, but the reason why she want to be there was because she was recently bullied, and she said the exact words that I had said in my head that she vowed to herself that she will never work with another woman again. And I remember, I remember sitting there and like the tears just came streaming down, like I couldn't hold it back, because I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not the only woman who has gone through this and get over it, and there are other people out there, so maybe you should even tell your story about this to get other women to to understand that fact too, right? So, so those were some of the different lessons that I had learned almost immediately afterwards, but then over time, as. I started to think about like, this is seven years later. It took me seven years to put really some lessons together of this story. In fact, I have to say, I don't think I told the story, except for maybe two years ago. So you're looking at even though I was in a hole for a year, you're looking at five years where I refuse to talk about this, and the reason why was because I was scared. I was I was scared that people were going to know who this person was, and I didn't want to throw this person under the bus. I really didn't and and it also would show that maybe I wasn't over it, and maybe I was trying to be mean about something. So I had refused to talk about this. But as I was preparing for just some different talks, and then Secret Knock, I thought, You know what I said, I have to talk about this. I know I'm supposed to be able to talk about this. So I was able to talk about it on clubhouse, and that's where I met Sloan. It was an audio only platform during COVID, and I told the story, and it blew Sloan away, and that's why she said, I need you to share this. I need you to get out there and share it. So I have been sharing it over the past maybe one or two years, but it wasn't right away, so I had time to reflect on it and learn even more about why this was so important to me. And I do think that over time, the lessons that I learned became deeper, so I went back into looking at taking action, right? Like I have a book out about taking action and how the story allows me to think about what had happened, but then what has happened in me to advocate and to teach people, and to be so passionate about teaching people how to take action, right? To embrace the journey, to say yes, to disconnect from people, and that's still taking action, right? You know. And as women, I feel like we are, we are guilty if we walk away and we say no to something. And that's not true. It's healthy to be able to disconnect and walk away, right? I dive deeper into what my core values were, and it helped me walk away easier, because if it didn't align with my core values, it was an easy decision. It's not part of where I need to be or what I need to be a part of, and so I'm okay saying no. And I think that freed me up from and gave me grace to say, Okay, it's not about you. It's not about what this is, but it doesn't align with me, and so I'm okay with walk away. And so that whole action piece was huge. I've looked at like, how I started the story today about how important connection is to me. So I looked at, why was this story so important to connection? And for me, it's something that I talk to you about, like it's not just about great people, because there's tons of great people out there. They're wonderful people out there, but it's the right person, that little, small group of people, that is the right person for you. And so I looked at how important that was, and how that is something that I want to plant my feet in. And I also looked at the imposter syndrome, and knowing that one of my favorite quotes is no one is you, and that is your power. And so through all of this, through the beating and the stabbing and through all of this, I had to come out with the understanding and the lesson that we all have a story to share. So whether or not there's one person that you touch in that in that conference, or small little group or a lot of women, we all have these unique experiences and then these emotions and these lessons that come out of stories like this. So don't be afraid to share that story, and don't let anybody take that power away from you. And that was one of the things that made me get out of my black hole, because I wanted to believe that it's something that I am able to share and reach to people that only I can in my own way, in my own experience. And by gosh, I'm not going to let some somebody take that away from me.

Shannan Kym: 00:24:00

Exactly, exactly. Yeah, through through that experience, you found your power to help heal other people, not only you, but other people as well. What advice would you give some beautiful woman out there that is going through the exact same thing, the bullying that that you went through?

Shannan Kym: 00:24:21

Dr. Natalie Phillips: Wow, you know, immediately I could, I could say some action items. However, I'm going to pause, and I'm going to say, make sure that you get right with yourself first, right, that you understand that it's not about you, especially if you're being bullied, it really is not about you. Look into your core values. So do the work on yourself first. So look at your core values, what is important to you. And then I would say, make sure. Then the second step would be to reach out to some really close I want to say, female friends. Things and be able to share what you're feeling and come up with a way that only you can overcome this, like the way that I overcame it, is not going to be the same way that somebody else is going to overcome it. In fact, one of my really good friends that I had shared this story with, and she's not as active on social media, but I was telling her, like when I was telling you that I came out 180 degrees differently on social media than how I was feeling inside. And that was very cathartic for me. And when this woman was going through the same thing, she was bullied, and I was sharing that with her, she goes, Oh, I couldn't do that. And I said, Well, I I wouldn't expect you to, and I said, because here's what made it fun for me too, is I gamified it. Not only did I force myself to do the 180 I would literally in my head, give myself a point. If this woman who had no idea that this would what is what I was feeling, because she was still friends with me on social media, either liked it or commented on it would be two points. So like, I made it a game, and that was the only way that I felt better about it. And I don't think anybody else could do it that way. It's just something that I did. So that's why it's like, you gotta do the work on yourself. You gotta understand your core values, and then you've got to come out with a strategy almost where only you are going to be able to overcome it, and then have the accountability by having these close people by you that will check in on you, make sure that you're doing okay, make sure that you Know you're you're doing it the right way too. So I hope that makes sense, but yeah,

Shannan Kym: 00:26:44

it absolutely makes sense. And what resonated with me was when you said, you have to do the inner work. Because before I did the inner work, I took to heart what absolutely everybody said to me, whether it was positive or negative, because I didn't know who I truly was. It wasn't until I did the inner work where I really understood who I was, and then I could have the awareness that if someone was saying negative things towards me, about me, or belittling me, or putting me down, that was where it was shut down. It was like, No, I know who I am. This is about you. That's not about me, but the inner work is the number one tool I found that had saved me, yeah, true my past, and put me on the right path, on my journey. Absolutely the inner

Shannan Kym: 00:27:31

Dr. Natalie Phillips: work, it's just a reaction you don't want to react, right? No, to be able to have, be able to control that, right?

Shannan Kym: 00:27:40

Absolutely beautiful. I love everything that you've said. Dr Natalie, now we're coming to the final words on this podcast here. You had said that you have written a book. You're also a coach in that. Where are you now? Can you go a little bit more in depth? Because there could be listeners out that are like, I really resonate with you, Doctor Natalie, so I want to get a hold of you, and I just want all the listeners to know that all of her information is in the podcast. Note, so if you do want to reach out to Doctor Natalie, she's there for you. And you know, if you need help, she's there

Shannan Kym: 00:28:17

Dr. Natalie Phillips: thank you. It's a lot of learning and growing as always. And so I am still working on different topics to speak. So I am also doing some speaking. Well, I'm actually with the speaking coach. Obviously my day job, I'm still an audiologist, and I opened up my own practice three years ago, so that's just fresh, and that's during kind of like my day job. But at the same time, it's not just being an audiologist, it's it's really incorporating everything, like I said, when when you do the work and you're able to understand what your purpose is, and everything that you've done in your life to this point, there's something there. There's something that you learn, that you can incorporate in everything that you do. So even in my day job as an audiologist, I'm a connector. So I connect people back to loved ones and to and to their life with hearing in my day job. But that's not where the connection stops, that I'm a connection coach. So I help people connect to their brand, to their mission, to their purpose. I help them connect to others on social media. I help people connect when I speak at events. And so I think that where I am right now is continuing to learn how to get people to understand that within them there is this connection piece that people are hungry for, I want to say, and that's what makes us human right. Right? And I think that when you start to do the work on yourself, and when you start to open up and say, Okay, this is what I can bring to the world and make an impact with that's going to be the most beautiful thing that you can do to connect to somebody who actually needs you, like I constantly think that there's some there's another quote that was said to me, and I resonate with this, but I was always told there's somebody waiting for you to arrive, and what that means is, if you haven't figured out what you can do to put out there, that person that's waiting for you to arrive will never have that moment with you, right? And so the faster that you can get to that piece of yourself that you're going to be able to put out there and allow somebody else to connect and then take off with whatever they're supposed to do, it could be just for a season. It doesn't have to be for seven years, for 15 years that they have this connection with you. It could just be something that you said at a conference or at a workshop or something like that, then I think that will make the world a better place, just because we're putting our best selves out there.

Shannan Kym: 00:31:14

Absolutely, absolutely. Oh, such wonderful words. Thank you so much doctor Natalie for being on my podcast. So I want to let all the listeners know. If you connected with Dr Natalie, just go into the podcast notes, and all of her information is there. If you like this podcast, please share it, do a review and also subscribe, and you can also send this to you know somebody that you really know needs to hear this podcast as well too, because there's so many words of inspiration in here. So I want to say my final thank you to you, Dr Natalie, for coming on. Thank you so much.

Shannan Kym: 00:31:54

Dr. Natalie Phillips: Well. Thank you for having me.