Rising from the Ashes: Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews on Overcoming Adversity and Leading with Love | EP084

Shannan Mondor: 00:00:00

Hello, everybody, my name is Shannan mandore. And welcome to my podcast fulfillment in faith. Today, my guest is Kelsey Matthews. Welcome Kelsey, how are you?

Shannan Mondor: 00:00:14

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: I am well how are you?

Shannan Mondor: 00:00:16

I am just perfect. I'm perfect. There's there's literally nothing that is happening in my life that I have one iota of disappointment about. So that's all I can say. Love that. Um, so I want the audience to know that I had the pleasure of meeting Kelsey, when we were down in Las Vegas. For those of you that don't know, I did a TED talk in Las Vegas, would have been in January, end of January. And I had the absolute pleasure of meeting Kelsey there as well, too, because she did a TED talk. And both of us along with the other 18 people that were at the venue doing TED talks, we are patiently and I mean, patiently waiting for our TED Talk to be released out on YouTube. And then once they are released out on YouTube, you're going to see this absolutely beautiful person by the name of Shannan monde or n Kelsey Matthews. Yeah. Because I'm paying for both of us. That's what I do, promoting both of us.

Shannan Mondor: 00:01:26

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: I love it. And impatiently I've run out of patience. Well,

Shannan Mondor: 00:01:30

you know what patience is a virtue, right? Because we know that bigger things are coming to us, for all gone through to be on stage, right? There's a message that you know, that we're sharing. And it was so funny, because when we were at the TED talk, I was wearing a off white cream suit. And she's wearing this gorgeous red suit. So we were like sisters from another mother. And that the funny thing is, is our glasses are very similar on our guard there. And we're almost like twinning it. And the more we got to know each other and talk to each other. It was like, okay, Kelsey, you do have to come on my podcast, because our backgrounds are very similar in so many different areas. And I know that her story is really going to resonate with so many of you out there. So that's why Kelsey is on my podcast. So now I'm going to give Kelsey you the floor. And I want you to introduce you don't have to introduce yourself, because I already did. But I want to I want the audience to know you know where you're from. And of course, then go right into your story. Tell them a little bit about yourself. Right?

Shannan Mondor: 00:02:39

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Absolutely. Well, again, my name is Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews, and I am from Connecticut. So I was raised in East Haven, Connecticut for 18 years. And I ended up making a big journey out to Las Vegas when I turned 18. But we will get to that later. And so currently I am in East Haddam, Connecticut. So I just recently moved back home. And I have had quite the life experience. And as I get out into the world, and I connect with people, like Shannan said, I am finding out that unfortunately, my life story is not as uncommon as I thought it was for the longest time. And so I was raised in a home where narcissism and codependency and substance use and all of those just really Unhealthy, Toxic patterns of behavior were running rampant. And that was the way that I grew up, right. I didn't know anything outside of that for 18 years. Because when you are growing up as a child, and you are, you know, in the home and in the family that you're in, right, you don't necessarily know that what you're experiencing isn't supposed to be normal. And so my mother had a substance use disorder, I was actually born three pounds and addicted to drugs. My mother used she snorting cocaine when she was pregnant with me, but there was a lot of other substance use. And so I was only a month early, but I was three pounds and right from the get go, I didn't really have a good, the prognosis wasn't good, right? The outlook just really wasn't good. And despite all odds, you know, I pulled through that. And I don't know where the disconnect was between the hospital doing their jobs and Child Protective Services doing their jobs, but for whatever reason, the decision was made that I would go home with my mom. So my mother took me home with her and I went right into the heat of the dysfunction. And so by the time I was five years old, I already had taken on the parental FIDE role of caregiver over my mother and I have very vivid memories of witnessing the drug use and being taken with her when she would go meet her drug dealers. Like I just have these memories that were suppressed for a long time and in my healing, you know, started to come back and I started process those. But from that very early age, I felt responsible not just for my mother, right, but also for my grandparents. And so I was raised by my mom and my two maternal grandparents. So my mother's parents, and they just they didn't know what they didn't know. And so it was very unhealthy. It was very toxic. And we know that in unhealthy family units, the children that are in the home, they get assigned roles, right? And so I was the scapegoat, I was the caregiver, I was the truth teller, right? Because I was the only child in the home. So I, I did all of it. Right, I was the golden child, when I was living up to the unrealistic expectation that was said of me, if I was making them look good, then I was the golden child. And when I couldn't live up to that standard anymore, I got knocked off of the pedestal. And then I was horrible, right, there was no gray area, when I was growing up, it was either I was the best person in the room, or the worst person in the room. But then I was always the one that was calling everything out. So I was telling everyone, hey, we have a problem. There's something wrong here. And I could see it, even at a very early age, I could see that something was horribly wrong. And so I just got recycled through all of these roles. And I knew that it was my job really to keep my mom alive. Because I knew if I didn't do it, somebody had to do it, right. And if I didn't do it, then it really wasn't gonna get done. And so by the time I was seven, she attempted suicide for the first time, and I found her on the floor. And this just spiraled into overdose attempts and domestic violence and fighting. And I mean, I cleaned up that lady's vomit, more times than I can count, right. I remember when I was a teenager, I used to take her keys, so she couldn't drive. And that didn't make me the most popular person in the room because I was the one doing all the disciplining because my grandparents between the narcissism and the codependency in the enabling, and just this mess that was going on, they did not have the capacity for whatever reason to do it. And it was very, very difficult. And I lived my life knowing that my mom was going to die. I just didn't know when so every time the phone would ring and she wasn't home, I would feel fear. Every time I would wake up in the morning, and I would go check on her if she was breathing. That was a really great way for me to start the day because at least I knew that she was okay. I didn't know how she was going to be when I got home. Right. But on the other end of this, I also had a great childhood to some extent. And this is where it was very confusing for me because while I was living in UTTER turmoil and psychological abuse, and just constant fear, constant stress, I also danced for 13 years. And I rode horses and I did pageants. And I, I had material things which I am grateful for, right, my material needs were met, and I was given opportunities through my grandparents that most kids never get to have. And so that helped keep me grounded. And it helped kind of get me out of the house. We went to church, we did lots of different things. And so that made it very confusing, right, not just for me, but for people that were on the outside looking in. Right because on the outside looking in, it looks like Kelsey has everything. And I kind of had an unfair label put on me as a child that I was just entitled that I was a brat that I was disrespectful and was I may be right. But people couldn't see from the outside what I was really living in. It's just now today at 26 years old, that people on the outside are actually now starting to see the truth about what it is that I actually endured and that I wasn't I wasn't a brat and I wasn't lying, right. I was telling the truth all these years about what was going on, but nobody wanted to listen, right. And so it just progressively got worse and worse. And then I had my own chronic health problems. I've had three heart surgeries. I've dealt with chronic pain, all of which I'm sure stems back to the chronic stress and the drug use, you know, but it just was a wreck. And I was trying to take care of myself and I was trying to take care of my mom and I was trying to do all these things. And nobody helped me I had no help. I don't know where Child Protective Services was. I don't know why they didn't come back. Right. But the things that I have lived through are just unfathomable to me now as an adult, when I look at a child, and I see that child at the age that I was when I was enduring all of this and I'm like, oh my god, I was that little girl. And that was never normal. And so things just kept progressing. They kept getting worse. The police were called all the time the paramedics were there all the time for my mom. It just it didn't end and I was blamed for everything. I was on the receiving end Have everything. And I didn't know that that was abuse. I didn't have the knowledge or the wherewithal to know that I was being emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically abused if my mother had a bad day and wanted to put her hands on me. And so high school was difficult. Life just became difficult. I was suicidal, I didn't want to live, I couldn't get any help. I didn't know what to do. And then when I was a senior in high school, I woke up on a Friday morning, it was just a regular day. It was supposed to be anyway. And I woke up and I heard my grandmother on the phone with the paramedics and I looked at the clock, and I said, Why didn't anybody wake me up? What is going on? And I heard my grandmother telling them that she was blue. And I was like Jesus, Mary, Mother of God, it is too early for this. What is going on? So I got up. And typically with overdoses, when you're living in a home with somebody, if they overdose during the day, or like, early evening, it's safer for them, because it's more of a chance that someone will find them. But when someone ODS overnight, and they go to sleep, that that's bad, right? It's very hard to come out of that. And there are not many instances where my mother who had overdosed overnight, but that that was the one that killed her. And I think I knew when I got up that it was bad. And I took the phone from my grandmother. And I said to them, you know, 911, I said, you need to hurry. But my brain wouldn't let me make the connection. I wasn't making the connection that she was gone. And she was facedown and it was awful. And the paramedics didn't rush, because they knew that she wasn't coming back from that, but I didn't. And so they came and they went in there and my cat was under her, we had to lift her. So we had to pull the cat out. I mean, it was just it was just horrifying. And finally they sat me down and they said, you know, your your mother's been down a long time. And I looked at them. And I had some choice words for them. And I said, you go in there and help her What are you wasting your time talking to me for and these people just looked at me with this awful like pitiful look on their face. And they're like, so your mother has died, like she's not coming back. And I don't know, who screamed somebody like it was just it was, you know, obviously one of the worst moments of my life. And it's hard because in that moment, I was relieved. As much as I was devastated. I was so relieved. Because it was over. It was over for her. She didn't have to suffer anymore. And it was over for me, I knew that I was free. Right? I didn't I didn't have to worry anymore. I didn't have to take care of her anymore. And I might have a chance now at living some type of life for me that didn't revolve around, you know, everybody else. And so that was my senior year of high school. And prior to that, you know, I talked with her about where I wanted to go to college, and I was doing that process. And I had been to Vegas to visit some friends. And I decided that, you know, UNLV was my dream school. And I wanted to go there. And I remember showing her the pamphlets and the information on UNLV. And she looked at me and she said, Is this where you want to go? And I said yes. And she said, I want you to go and I want you to get out of here and I don't want you to look back. I want you to go and get as far away from this as you can because she already knew what was next. She knew the position that she was in. She knew she was a terrible mother. She hated herself every single day. She didn't want to be the way she was. But she had wounds that didn't get healed. And you know, my mother deserves so much better than she ever got. And she wanted more for me. And so I got accepted into UNLV right after she died. And that was hard because she didn't get to see it. And I was ready to go move away and move into my dorm and start college and financial aid came back and said that I owe them $18,000 After financial aid for out of state tuition. And at 18 years old with no credit or cosigner. I couldn't. I'm calling banks. And I'm like, Can somebody give me an $18,000 loan and they just chuckle at me and hang up. Nobody was giving me that money. And so I made what some people would consider a crazy impulsive decision. But I decided that I was going to take all the money that I had saved and get on my one way flight and move permanently to Vegas at 18 years old by myself so that I can get residency and get these really expensive pieces of paper that you see behind me. And everybody thought that I had lost it Tracy died and Kelsey, you know has lost her marbles and maybe that was true, but I live my life on my intuition and my discernment and my faith and I when I know I need to do something, I do it. So I got on the plane with two suitcases and my cat and I moved to Vegas. And I had no plan and it was dangerous and it was crazy and it could have crashed and burned. And it didn't. And it ended up working out well, but not without a lot of pain and a lot of trauma, because I left here at 18, with no real.

Shannan Mondor: 00:15:13

I mean, I had life experience, but I didn't have like healthy life experience. So I didn't know what I didn't know. And I didn't realize that when I left here, I was very vulnerable. And I had a target on my back. And so the abuse that I lived for 18 years, because I was unhealed and because I didn't know continued in Vegas, and I just kept cycling through more abusive relationships, more of the same situation over and over. And I actually ended up enduring institutional abuse three times in Vegas, the first time with a therapist and a health care facility, the second time with a church leader and a religious organization. And unfortunately, the third time was a professor in the academic institution, and an entire department. And honestly, that was more damaging, those experiences were more damaging than my childhood. Because with my mom, I knew she was going to die. So I hope for the best, but I expected the worst. But when you go into institutional settings, and you think that those places are there to help people, you go in with the worst expecting the best, and I didn't get that I didn't get what I should have gotten from any of them. And so what

Shannan Mondor: 00:16:23

what do you feel? What do you feel made you the target?

Shannan Mondor: 00:16:29

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: I think that there's quite a few things that made me the target. So when you look at narcissism, if you will, and I know that's a broad term. But a lot of times people with those tendencies, they look for a certain type of person, right? They they are able to read people very well. And they look for people who are high empathy, high achieving someone that will make them look good, right. So in some instances, I think that I had some of the qualities because I had so much empathy, but I also had no boundaries. Right. So that is a breeding ground for vulnerable people to be taken advantage of. But it was also the fact that I did have those vulnerabilities. And I was looking for connection. And they're all They're all women, right. So what's the common denominator there, right, I didn't have a mother. And whether or not these people wanted to come in and be helpful, and they just made it worse, or they had a motive and an agenda the whole time. I think it's a combination of those two things, the vulnerability that I had, that made me susceptible to those types of women who were either just like my mother or just like my grandmother, and the fact that I am so empathetic, and I care about people and I'm tolerant, I have a good heart. And both of those things are those things will be taken advantage of really easy. Right? So I think it was those two things explained to

Shannan Mondor: 00:17:50

me from each of those three institutions, what they got out of it from you. What did they take from you?

Shannan Mondor: 00:17:57

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: So the therapist, it was interesting, none of her daughters spoke to her. So that tells you right there, right, I look back now whether or not she wanted to help me. I was like a guinea pig. It feels like because I look back and every single ethical boundary was crossed by that woman except for it wasn't a sexual relationship. Right? It was it was a very, she was very maternal, right. But her daughters didn't speak to her. And I was this clean slate, this young person with no mother. She told me about Jesus, right? I she got what she wasn't getting at home. She used to tell me that her husband didn't tell her she was beautiful. Like I just I love people so much. So I'm freely give, I freely pour myself out for people. Well, you and

Shannan Mondor: 00:18:47

you became a people pleaser at such a young age. Again, right?

Shannan Mondor: 00:18:51

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: And it was the same thing with the church leader. Her daughter didn't talk to her. Right. So there's this common denominator of women that have burned bridges with their own daughters, but then they would seek me out. Right, and then the next thing I knew Oh, you're like a daughter to me. Well, well, gee, that's like music to the ears of someone that only ever wanted a mother their entire life. Right? That was everything I wanted. But I couldn't tell that it wasn't healthy. Because it was they were just like my mother, right? It was just like my family dynamic. So how did I know that it was any different. On the end of that experience, though, the professor was different because I actually think that she was genuine with with her care for me. The problem was is that we were both codependent so we ended up in this unhealthy codependent friendship thing that shouldn't have occurred. And then what ultimately ended up happening is that she was up for a promotion. And she got pulled aside and questioned about her relationship with me. And then the next thing I know the whole department has a sixth me people are treating me bad. They're asking me questions or calling me names, and I can't figure out for the Like for me what is going on? Until I find out, Oh, you are up for this promotion, and you threw me under the bus because I was an easy target. So that one didn't start, I don't think she had a motive. But anyway, I don't think it was that she didn't care about me. But she cared more about herself. And she cared about me. And she lied to me. And she lied to them that people pleasing, let me just play both sides of the fence and see if I can work my way out of this. And that was just the most repulsive thing that I've ever experienced in my life like that. That was the moment between the church situation and the university situation was when I was like, no, no, I'm not doing this anymore, I'm going to heal, I'm going to figure out what the root is. Because there was a common denominator in the institutions, right? We know that institutions at this point, they're not safe places. As much as we'd like to think that they're safe spaces for vulnerable people they're not. But on the other side of that I was the other part of that dynamic. So I had to figure out if I am displaying a pattern of behavior, I need to figure out what it is. So those that that that would be my answer to you, I was giving them something that was meeting a need that they had, whether they were lacking from their own children or lacking from their family. That's the type of person I am. I love to love people, I love to give and uplift people and it feels good, right? But then when people have their own insecurities, or their own stuff that comes up, and people that are narcissistic, are just frauds anyway, right, they never tell you who they really are. So then I just got sucked into these dynamics. And I realized that especially the last with the school, that was just like my childhood, I just kept repeating my childhood. And unfortunately, people who have been through trauma, they will go on to do that, whether it's in platonic relationships or romantic relationships, when it's all you know, they didn't look like red flags when it's normal to you, right? So they're drawn to similar situations in adulthood. And unfortunately, you will continue to recycle the pattern until you have that kind of spiritual awakening, if you will, when you're like, oh, no, there's something horribly wrong here. And I need to fix it. And that is what, that's what prompted my healing journey. Because this last time, I gave all of myself to these people. Just like when I was a kid, I was a show pony. Right? When I was successful, they cared about me when I wasn't they threw me away like trash, it literally just mimicked my entire childhood. And I almost lost everything in the process. I mean, the fact that I got pushed into a nervous breakdown and targeted in the whole thing, it doesn't, you know, it just like my childhood. So that was the moment where I'm like, I have a lot to lose, I'm valuable, and my life is valuable. And what I bring to the table is valuable. And I have to figure out how to stop this madness, and break this cycle, so that I can have peace in my life. And I don't have to pass this down. When I have kids. And that was like the big eye opening moment for me.

Shannan Mondor: 00:22:50

Yeah, your your, your, I call it the awakening to awareness is very similar, because you're you're looking at your future children, or my children. And I was like, No, this is going to stop, this is going to stop. But isn't it amazing when you see that pivotal moment of the awakening? And it's like, Oh, my God, these patterns have been repeated over and over and over different people. Same scenario. And it's Whoa, you know what? I gotta do something about it.

Shannan Mondor: 00:23:25

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: mind boggling, isn't it all of

Shannan Mondor: 00:23:27

a sudden, like, whoa, I'm so blown away by this. And then you just sit yourself. It's like, okay, I'm changing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm done.

Shannan Mondor: 00:23:36

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Well, and it's like, it's almost like when you picture an ostrich, right? The ostriches has its head in the sand. And it doesn't see and it doesn't hear and it doesn't know. And one spiritual awakening leads to two and three, and four and five. And suddenly, it's like, wait a minute, this is difficult and painful. And my life was easier before when I didn't know what I knew. And there's a part of you that wants to go back to just like being unconscious and unaware. And it's like, once you have that first one, and the process starts, there's no coming back from that, and you'll never be the same. And there's this quote that I love. Just to paraphrase, it talks about how a generational curse and families a lot of times it's avoidance, and it travels through families and nobody wants to deal with it. And then a child is born and they are tasked with feeling that pain. Yeah, and knowing that healing work and breaking that off. And a lot of times those kids are labeled mentally ill or depressed or bipolar or all these things, but really that child is not just carrying the weight of their life but everyone that came before them because generational trauma somewhere down the line centuries ago on my bloodline something happened to somebody. Yeah, there was a fanatic event and it jacked it up for the rest of us right and it just kept traveling and traveling and traveling. And I you know in my my generational line is It's very evident that I broke the mold. But that's that comes with such a burden. Because it wasn't just my pain that I was feeling. It was my mom's pain and my grandmother's pain, and everybody before them, I didn't do anything. It wasn't my fault. It was nothing that I did. It was just handed to me, like a big backpack and said, Here you go carry this up the hill. And it wasn't my fault. And that revelation that I had of, oh, I can have grace for myself. And I can forgive myself for the ways that I behaved with those individuals. They all had power over me. So that still wasn't my fault. There was an uneven power dynamic, and each of them abuse their power. But I wasn't completely healthy either. Right? I had to look at what I brought to each of those relationships. But I came to the point where I realized for 18 years, I lived in something that was unhealthy. I never had healthy love modeled to me, I never had healthy anything modeled to me. So how was I supposed to know? Right? I didn't, I had no way of knowing.

Shannan Mondor: 00:26:01

But you know, it's really sad. Because we grew up in the generation that you don't share your business. There it is. You don't tell people what's going on. Everything's stable. What happens in the house stays in the house, you don't show your feelings ever. And it's just like, Wow, are you kidding me? The only way that you can heal generational trauma is by feeling and it only takes that one person to feel. And I'm not one person in my family that decided I'm going to feel what's going on.

Shannan Mondor: 00:26:35

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Right? And, and that's why so many people don't want to do it. It hurts. You know, many times, I've just wanted to die. Like I have just like, it's just been so painful and so intense. And I didn't understand. And I wanted it to stop like, and eventually, guess what, through this process, it stopped. Right? I'm not saying that everything is just great all the time. I think that toxic positivity is another problem that has occurred in a lot of generations, like can't talk about everything's great, right? But eventually, as I work through it, I don't live in crippling emotional pain anymore. And I don't let people near me that can put me back into that place. Because when I look back, I see that I was just living in survival. For 25 years I lived in abuse, and what's so gross and repulsive to me about the institutions that did it. They knew that I was vulnerable, they knew what I came out of, and they had a duty, as a young person that's looking up to them is looking to them for guidance, I had no way of knowing they were supposed to do better. As leaders, they were supposed to do better, right. And they exploited those vulnerabilities for their own gain. And some of them got away with it. I won't say they got away with it. But there's not been a lot of acknowledgement because an institution is not going to come right out and say, Oh, we screwed up, right. Like, they'll they'll, they'll beat around the bush, and they'll change policy, and they'll do these things. But they won't take accountability for it, which is a problem that we have in society anyway. Right. But there's

Shannan Mondor: 00:28:13

so many problems. And that's the thing, right? It's people like you and I, which are sharing our stories, we're getting vulnerable, and we're speaking our truth. And we're bringing more people that's coming more forward more forward more. Because you also have to have a little bit of compassion towards these people that sadly, that absolutely hit you in these institutions, because they've also been brought up in that society as well to that keep your mouth shut. You don't say a damn thing. So you got to go a little bit further back and see what they were brought up into. We've also been groomed into that system as well. It's like this. It's people like us that are making the difference. And whoever those people are that you know, experience this along with you in that journey in the institution. They're going to be listening to this, believe me, they will be listening to you speaking your truth they've been listening to you speak your truth. And you know what, you don't think that you're not impacting and changing their life. You are? You would like to

Shannan Mondor: 00:29:13

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: know, I thought you know, all right. I think so. Because I feel like I look back I just had an article published today about what does it mean to love somebody? Right. And that's a word that's used, but I think that so many people grow up in unhealthy environments that they don't understand what that is. And I was writing about how I didn't mean to cause anybody pain. Right? I didn't I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I know I did. But I didn't I didn't know right I didn't mean to write so that's where like I have remorse, but at the same time, like I did what I could to make it right it's like trying to fight city hall, the water pistol, right, but I wrote in there I can only hope that I made some type of positive impact somewhere like even if they want to twist the narrative even if they're gonna lie, like I hope deep down at the end of the day, that it wasn't all I mean, on my end, it was isn't in vain because I look at where I am now. I've learned and I healed and I grew. And I'm, I have a platform on this now. And I know what I'm doing with my life and I'm moving forward. And I'm grateful, right? I'm thankful for them as much as it grinds my gears. And that's more so just the institutional process that grinds my gears, I just that that whole system is broken. But I say all the time, like, I hope that it wasn't in vain for them. I mean, the professor saved my life, right? When I was suicidal, like, I might not be here. And I think that that's what made it more painful. But I hope so I, to your point, I hope so.

Shannan Mondor: 00:30:34

But you know, what are the thing too is you can even look at entire communities are like that, you know, like I was brought up in an environment of a small community where, you know, the 14 year olds drank with the 65 year olds, and that was socially accepted. So there's, you know, alcoholism in the smaller communities, you know, that I went into a bigger community, right, you know, and, you know, pretty much the same thing. You know, like, you know, the, the parents are drinking or partying with their children, same thing, and that's normalized, you know what I mean? And it wasn't until I actually got out of that small community, you know, that that small town of 10,000 people and move to a totally different province, and then I experienced contrast, and then I see oh, like, not everybody drinks at every birthday party, walking out like Not, not the whole life has revolved around alcohol. But of course, I didn't see any of that, you know, I leave that bubble. You have to leave that bubble. And those people still stuck in that small community are that bubble, they're not going to change? Because that's their normal, you know? And, you know, so and they're still stuck in that you don't, you don't express your feelings, or you don't talk about this, or you don't talk about that. Because what are people going to think? What are people? Prepared? Is God you? What are people going to think? And then there's me where I am now and I'm like, I don't give a crap what people think. Exactly me. I've so grown from all of that. What's keeping you behind is staying in that fear. And being a people pleaser, and putting, you know, letting people put you on a pedestal. That is so far from the truth. And if you think that it's being true and authentic to yourself, you are totally and completely wrong. Because it's so common that Absolutely. Now, in you, we are speaking the truth. Well, they don't. And they don't like that.

Shannan Mondor: 00:32:23

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: See, that's the experience.

Shannan Mondor: 00:32:26

People don't like me talking about my addiction. Oh, my God, embarrassing. Oh, my God, because then you don't want it. She started speaking about her addiction, then what reflection is that on me? But in the truth, it has nothing to do with you. It's about me.

Shannan Mondor: 00:32:40

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Exactly. Well, and that was a struggle with me. When my mom died, and they close the casket on her for the last time, I promised her that I wouldn't let her die in vain. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I knew I had to do something. And then I moved to Vegas that I worked in substance abuse and recovery for years. And that's what I won the Truman Scholarship on was all the work that I did in that community. But I promised her I was going to do something and I started writing and speaking and sharing, and my family was like, What are you doing? Like, why are you why are you talking about that? Right? And it's hard because when my mom was alive, I didn't feel like it was my story to tell. But when she was gone, I realized that this is a national epidemic. This isn't just a me problem. And when things are done to me, I don't care so much I can let it roll off my back, because I understand that that's really about them. But when it becomes a danger to the public, and there are other people at risk of being harmed, that's when like, you could try to put a muzzle on me, but it's not gonna work. And so my family was like, What are you doing? Like, stop talking? Right? And I was like, No, I'm not going to stop talking. And that is narcissistic people or toxic environments. They love to have the control. And that's why they gaslight you, that's why they do the things they do because they know that they're guilty and they want you to be quiet. And then when somebody comes along, that they can't control or you get away from them, and they realize they can't make you quiet. There's a quote that says if people can no longer control you, they will try to control the way that people see you because they want to discredit you. Right? They'll use things again, Shula twist the narrative, because they don't want the truth. Right being told, and that's where that it stays in the home and people can't know. And I mean, my family is probably not thrilled still that I talk the way I talk. Especially not now that I understand that the dynamic was narcissism, it was codependency like, now I'm verbalizing all of it. And I'm not trying to be disrespectful in any type of way. But my story is my story and your story is your story. But it makes people mad. And that's part of the reason why I was scapegoated so many times

Shannan Mondor: 00:34:46

it makes so it makes people so angry when you know when you speak your truth is because then they have to come into the light of their truth. And a lot of times they don't want to see their truth. Right? It's It's hard, it goes back to them having to deal with their stuff from their past, which they don't want to deal with. Right? Because avoidance control that that rapport issue, that's your journey in life. If you choose not to do that, then that's fine. But I choose to be the true authentic person that I meant to be. So then I can say my generations to come. Yep, exactly. And that's what it boils down to. I think we're, oh, gosh, we could talk forever about this for sure. But what I want to know, through your whole entire journey, what is it that you learned the most from this?

Shannan Mondor: 00:35:39

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: I thought about this beforehand, and I had all these great answers. But that's such a, it's such a loaded question. I think that the biggest thing that I've learned is that who I am as okay. I think the biggest thing that I've learned, above all else stems back to when I was a kid, my own family told me I was crazy. They told other people, I was crazy. I had people telling me, I wouldn't amount to anything, right. I've had people telling me that there's something wrong with me. And I've come to realize that those voices in my head that I hear, when I mean to myself, I'm not being mean to myself, it's all the other garbage, the filth that has been piled onto me that I've had to learn how to get out from underneath of. And I've come to understand that there's nothing wrong with me, right? being wounded is not a crime. I like to use the saying, if someone is passed out on the sidewalk, that doesn't give someone the right to come along and steal their wallet. Right? If somebody's passed out drunk on the sidewalk, clearly, they're vulnerable, and they're dealing with something but that doesn't give someone the right to come along and exploit them. And that's what happened to me. But I've come to understand that what happened to me wasn't my fault. It wasn't my responsibility. Now Healing from that is 100% My responsibility, I can choose to keep my head in the sand, and just keep the cycle going. Or I can choose which I have to do the hard work. But I've come to understand that other people's reflection or perception of me is completely subjective. And it has nothing to do with who I really am as a person. And I've, I'm working on the self worth piece, right. And what I've dealt with, I had to deal with a lot of the childhood stuff the abandonment wounds, the rejection, that was the the first step because that was what was driving me into those situations, the people pleasing the lack of boundaries, the codependency. But now that I've dealt with that, I'm realizing that the self image piece has been the next step. Because my own self image and my perception of myself became so distorted because I had so many people treating me horribly and telling me things that weren't true and spreading lies about me,

Shannan Mondor: 00:37:54

you ain't you have to you have the that's what I went through Kelsey was I had to change my whole and complete identity. And that programs why I am so passionate about teaching that because I carried that identity for years that I was dumb, I was stupid, I was never gonna amount to anything, I was good for nothing. And then once I got older, I was a bitch, I was a slug. These were the things that were all being said to me. These were all sent to me by my abuser. And I believed all of those things until I had my awakening to awareness. And I'm like, Oh, my God, no, no, those are those are not true that I carried the identity of my abuser. But I also cared the identity from generations of generations that that my abuser was told. So all those things that came out of his mouth, were what he thought of himself. But yeah, so I was like, wow, I can change all of this. And so I did I changed all those beliefs. And that's why I became a trend a transformational coach, because you just can't do it overnight. Right? And you need someone else to teach you that and see that within you because you can't see it within yourself. Right? Yes, can't.

Shannan Mondor: 00:39:05

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Right even even the most healed people still struggle to see good within themselves. It's it's an ongoing, lifelong process. I'm doing it every single day, every day I have to confront you know, taking thoughts captive right and confronting things every single day I have to confront what did I just think? Why did I think that? Right? That's and then to get rid of it. And then I have to reframe the thought healing is a full time job. Where we're human,

Shannan Mondor: 00:39:34

we're human beings, and we're brought onto this earth to experience and sadly our experiences are trauma in there. Every individual out there has experienced trauma in some some form or another, whether it's grief or whatever it is, and it's how we deal with it. And it's and that's where our life purpose I truly, truly believe is hidden within our tribe. Rama? I agree. Yes, yes, I truly believe that. And if you can see that your trauma is truly a gift. I pass that if you can truly see that your trauma is a gift, and you can see that, then that's what you share with other people. Because that's what you're teaching people how to heal within themselves.

Shannan Mondor: 00:40:24

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: Absolutely. I was just having a conversation today with somebody about the idea of like, the little people, right that the people, you know, the the government's the government and the people in power, the people in power, but there's people, there's everyday people out there that are going through life, and they don't they feel alone, and they feel confused, and they feel unseen. Right? And they need us people like us to speak so that they can see Oh, not only am I not alone, but I can have a voice too, because so many people haven't found their voice. And it's so so important. Because there's just so many people out there that need the wisdom and the knowledge and everything that we've gained by walking through I always like to say if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it, because God will send you right back into the trenches and say, Okay, right, I, you healed from this, I walked you through this, we got it. Now I need you to go back in, and I need you to reach and pull people out. There's that quote, We need to stop just pulling people out of the river, we need to figure out why they're falling into begin with, right. And I'm such a firm believer that now that I have gotten to the place that I'm in, and I'm moving forward, and I'm doing the work now is the time where I can reach back and pull people and say no, no, it's okay, come with me. Right? Because otherwise, people just stay stuck. We can't have.

Shannan Mondor: 00:41:42

And like I would get therapists for years to write. And it got to a point with me where my therapists could only take me so far, because they had never experienced what I'd gone through. So that's where I started to seek other help through people that had gone through the exact same experiences I had, because they knew what it was like. And so they had healed through that journey. So that's where I started to use their tools. Right? That's why you have just as much as I we can walk into a room and because we've experienced so many different areas, right? That you can see it with people's body, how they talk all of that. And so I have felt what you have felt. I know what it's like, I've been there. And you know what I want you to be where I am now to absolutely that extra step. And I'm not saying that therapists or, you know, anybody in the professional field that the you know, they're they're not doing their job, and they're not helping. They are very much so. But you know what, it just got to a point with me that I needed more because they weren't getting me, they weren't on that same level, they'd never felt what I felt. And I needed somebody that felt what I felt to take me to that next level.

Shannan Mondor: 00:42:55

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: I was the same way. And I think too, a lot of times, especially in more religious settings, and this is a whole conversation, right. But since I broke out of that toxic religious setting that I spent my whole life in, there's this idea in a lot of these just a lot of rigidity, right? There's a lot of black and white thinking like it's got to be this way. No, it doesn't have to be any way right? You can love Jesus and have a therapist, you can, you know, submit your life to God and or not like, at the end of the day, I believe what I believe, right. And I know it worked for me. But at the end of the day, it is not my place to judge someone else's process. It's not.

Shannan Mondor: 00:43:38

And what may work for me, may not work for you. Because on different journeys here right now. But if what I have experienced and the tool that I've got will help you then you know what, that's why I'm here. Absolutely. Another question that I got for you is so anybody that's listening to the podcast that's going through the exact same thing that you have gone through what is the advice that you would give them,

Shannan Mondor: 00:44:05

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: choose yourself? Wake up every single day, and decide that no matter who does what to you, who gives up on you, who doubt you who walks away from you that you will never give up on you. And I look back now and I realized that those people weren't standing in my way. I didn't need them. I was standing in my way. And I didn't give up on me. And that's the greatest decision that I've ever made. No matter what happens, no matter who comes and goes no matter what life throws at you. Choose Yourself. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat as much as it's a painful process to switch those behaviors. But as long as you wake up every single day, and you can look yourself in the mirror and say I choose me today, I want to be the best version of me today that I can be and I want to be a little bit better than I was yesterday. And I'm not going to give up on me. And I'm going to continue pouring into me and loving me and devoting myself to me, right as much as sometimes as a society, we're taught that that selfish, you cannot pour from an empty cup, you cannot model what you do not possess. I used to hate it when people would say to me, you can't truly love other people if you don't love yourself. I don't agree with that. 100% Because I believe that you can love others, and you can have love for others. But that doesn't mean it's healthy. I had love for lots of people. But it was codependent because I didn't have a solid enough relationship with myself, to be able to have a healthy relationship with other people were taught sometimes that self care and different things are selfish. It's not right, because the healthier that you are, the healthier that you can be for others, and the more that you can give for others,

Shannan Mondor: 00:46:01

I really believe especially with raising my children that we are taught more to be people pleasers than than actually to love ourselves.

Shannan Mondor: 00:46:09

Kelsey Elizabeth Matthews: We're not really taught to love ourselves. That's no

Shannan Mondor: 00:46:13

problem. That's the problem with everything for others, you know, Oh, you don't make that person feel better. You know, and this and that. And it's just like, Well, what about my feelings? What about me? Why do I have to go that extra mile for everybody else and then I have to suffer at the consequences.